How To Go To Starbucks
Margot Radding
W/C: 540
The art of going to Starbucks has only been mastered by a select number of people. Master Starbuckers can be spotted in most well-off neighborhoods in suburban areas.
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| This could be you. |
Use the following list to both blend in while at any Starbucks location and master the art:
1.) Walk in with a sense of purpose
Starbuckers have an internal radar, commonly known as Star-dar, that distinguishes those who are pure bred Starbuckers from those who are fairly new to the practice. Look out for dirty glances from Master Starbuckers; they have mastered Star-dar and they're on to you.
1.a) Come from yoga class.
Casually bring along a yoga mat that sits on a strap over the shoulder. You'll look like a wholesome person. Feel free to joke with the cashier about how Starbucks is the only thing that can bring you inner peace.
1.b) If you do not own Lululemon leggings and obnoxiously colored Nike sneakers to pull off the previous feat, try one of the following wardrobe options to blend in
1.a) Come from yoga class.
Casually bring along a yoga mat that sits on a strap over the shoulder. You'll look like a wholesome person. Feel free to joke with the cashier about how Starbucks is the only thing that can bring you inner peace.
1.b) If you do not own Lululemon leggings and obnoxiously colored Nike sneakers to pull off the previous feat, try one of the following wardrobe options to blend in
- Put hair in large bun on top of head
- Carry a Longchamp bag (those bland purple or blue squares with leather straps that, for some reason, are perceived as classy)
- Carry at least one Vera Bradley wallet or eye glass case. (But the more, the merrier)
- For men: messenger bags will do the trick for sure
2.) Step in line casually, yet briskly. Browse the baked goods.
Warning: Do NOT reveal significant enthusiasm, verbally or physically, at the sight of the three-dollar chocolate spheres on sticks* in the display cases. Master Starbuckers know these 1 cubic centimeter treats are no big deal because they are sold everyday.
*these are referred to as "Cake Pops"
*do not publicly refer to them as "chocolate spheres on sticks
3.) Order a drink that is not displayed on the menu in order to appear experienced and well-traveled with the menu
For example, tell the cashier, with great confidence, that you want a venti mocha coffee half and half espresso shot whipped cream topped light iced chocolate swirl java chip blonde roast decaf frap
4.) Prepare to give your name to the cashier
Do not stutter when asked to provide your name. Make sure to say something ambiguous and foreign if you're looking for a quality Instagram picture afterwards. Your name will be spelled incorrectly on our cup.
5.) While waiting for your drink to come to the counter, make an intellectual comment about the featured artist of the week
These bands are all very hipster. Bonus points if you can name a specific song, or make one up! No one will notice since everyone is lying too!
6.) Photograph your drink
If you're looking for approximately 20 likes on Instagam, shoot the drink at an artsy angle. Include the incorrectly spelled name.
7.) Make an effort to return your drink at least once a month because it was made incorrectly
Place your drink down with great force and exclaim one of the following:
1. The wrong sweetener was used
2. Um, this isn't decaf
3. You think this is soy milk?
8.) On the following trip, refer to the cashier by first name
Hey Donna, the usual.
With practice, soon you'll acquire some Star-dar of your own. Good luck Starbuckers. We believe in you.
For example, tell the cashier, with great confidence, that you want a venti mocha coffee half and half espresso shot whipped cream topped light iced chocolate swirl java chip blonde roast decaf frap
4.) Prepare to give your name to the cashier
Do not stutter when asked to provide your name. Make sure to say something ambiguous and foreign if you're looking for a quality Instagram picture afterwards. Your name will be spelled incorrectly on our cup.
5.) While waiting for your drink to come to the counter, make an intellectual comment about the featured artist of the week
These bands are all very hipster. Bonus points if you can name a specific song, or make one up! No one will notice since everyone is lying too!
6.) Photograph your drink
If you're looking for approximately 20 likes on Instagam, shoot the drink at an artsy angle. Include the incorrectly spelled name.
7.) Make an effort to return your drink at least once a month because it was made incorrectly
Place your drink down with great force and exclaim one of the following:
1. The wrong sweetener was used
2. Um, this isn't decaf
3. You think this is soy milk?
8.) On the following trip, refer to the cashier by first name
Hey Donna, the usual.
With practice, soon you'll acquire some Star-dar of your own. Good luck Starbuckers. We believe in you.
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